「i've been thinking too much... {mini rant} | journal entry #2」

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It's only been one and half weeks since school ended and summer break has officially begun. Unfortunately for me, it has already started off really shitty (is it ok if i curse? oh well). I was supposed to be working, hanging out with friends, and having a stress free summer before literally the most stressful year in high school: senior year. Long story short, I pretty much got dumped (the first day of summer break), haven't got called in for a job, only have two friends (who are usually busy and we're not that close) and stuck in my house only doing Advanced Placement Literature homework.

I know it doesn't necessarily sound horrible, but compared to the fact that my self esteem has hit rock bottom, i feel lonely, and i'm hella anxious for senior year, it's destroying my mental health critically. i turn 18 this year, and my mom expects me to move out (with what money though?), I have multiple fees due this year such as senior package, college application fees, personal needs, etc. (again, with what money...??), trying to figure out what university/college to go to, maintain a 3.7 (or higher) with 2 AP classes and business courses, find a part time job, deal with my pretty much dysfunctional family, and maintain positive relationships with my friends (not to mention my ex), all while trying to keep sane and be happy.

I've honestly gotten absolutely no sleep since about the middle of May because all of these worries and negative thoughts and it's taking a toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally... oh my god ... help me.

Also, I love how the tone from my first journal entry and my second shifted so fucking fast lmao.

anyway.... i'm tired. it's 10:16pm which means i have been awake for 29 hours. rip. goodnight. 〷

#rip #summer #wtf